The relationship between my mother and I was very special, and this was due to the quality of communication that we shared. Even when we would disagree, we understood where the other stood emotionally and always were conscious of each other’s feelings, so one of us could never offend or disrespect the other. Even by the time I was an adult, and no longer lived with her and had started my own family, my mom would call me almost daily just to make sure I was okay. I would stop by or call to check on her just as often. We were mother and son, but we were also really good friends, and I could confide anything to her and I knew that my secrets were safe.
However, even though these occasions were few and far between, there were times where my mom and I didn’t seem to communicate so well at all. Our communication would seem to be at a low when it came to disputes that were somewhat generational in nature, and I would tune her out. For example, my mom would always tell me to be careful of the police, and if I had an occasion that involved any confrontation between me and them, that I should be careful to be respectful with my words and demeanor. Not so much that I should respect the job or role of law enforcement, or to respect their character necessarily… actually, I don’t think that she cared too much about that. Her warnings against “mouthing off” at them were simply an attempt to protect me, because our family had experienced police brutality first hand in the recent past, and she didn’t want this to happen to me. Her little brother (my dear uncle Benny) was severely beaten by the LAPD during the 1960’s on two occasions: once during the 1965 Watts Riots, and again in 1968. He never fully recovered from the fractured skull, subdural hematoma, and resulting brain surgery that he sustained during the 1968 occasion, and these injuries eventually played a part in his death in 1981. As a result, my mom was extremely paranoid about dealing with police, and by the time I was a teenager (during the 80’s) she would give me warnings almost every time I would leave the house about how my conduct should be if I was ever confronted by the LAPD or other law enforcement. I would mostly dismiss the warnings, and tell her that her paranoia was reflective of a time that was past: “Mama, stop stressing me out the police stuff, they don’t beat on us anymore, you are still living in the 60’s”, etc. I had to give her an apology in 1991 when Rodney King was severely beaten by the LAPD, and the tapes of this incident were all over the television for the world to see. This was a testament to the warnings that she had issued to me all along, and proved that she was right about the possibility that this could and is likely to happen to any of us if things did not go right. I’m happy that my mom was determined to maintain the quality of communication between us, even when I did not want to listen. It may have saved my life.
That’s great that you and your mom have always had such a good relationship and that communication was open between you both, that is rare these days. I have a real good relationship with both my parents, but our communication with one another is not always the best and this is usually due to one of us not listening and trying to understand what the other is saying. Be thankful for the blessing you have! I think that in ever relationship, no matter how good it is, there will be times when we do not communicate well, we are after all imperfect. Just like in the example you gave, a chasm in communication occurs when one or both people do not listen. Communication involves giving (talking) and taking (listening). When one of these are taken out of the equation, you do not have communication and a relationship will suffer for it. It is interesting that you wrote about the connection between your mom’s persistence in maintaining the good relationship between you and the possibility of that saving your life (or keeping you out of the hospital). Other people have much to teach us and if we do not listen we will be the ones who can suffer for it. Good blog!
ReplyDeleteI really felt the emotion as I was reading your blog. It is so wonderful to read about the close bond you and your mother have and how much you two care about each other. I can understand her being scared to have you interact with the police given her dreadful history with them. Whenever you have go through a horrible experience with a certain person or group that memory will always haunt you and your mother has this fear of what could happen if you angered a cop. Your mother really cares for you and was genuinely was worried about your safety when you were growing up. I am really happy to see that you have such a great relationship with your mother up to this day; many people do not have this close bond with their parents. Your mom sounds like a tough lady to have gone through some tough times like those riots and then have to see her brother brutally hurt by the people that are supposed to protect you. I wish that I can say that I when I have a family of my own that I can call my father and keep a good communication with him. First I would have to better our relationship now, but I have plenty of time to fix that.
ReplyDelete